August 11, 2011
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All Growed Up
Hi, Xanga. You still exist? It's been almost a year. It seems so... not-so long ago. I'm really amazed at how long this thesis thing has been on my mind. I'm never one to stress and this past year was one of the first times in my life where I did, and I have 2 grey hairs to show for it. Last year this time I was preparing to go to Denmark and thinking about trying to graduate in December. Even though I was vacationing (more than working) in Europe, it was still always on my mind, and always something that would give me the feeling and need to go home and write (though it never happened that way). Now, one year later, I'm STILL finishing it up. Can you believe that? To have something on your mind everyday for a whole year?! I stressed a lot mainly due to uncertainty. I remember wanting to move on to the rest of my life and start planning the end of grad school and the beginning of my new life. I'd day dream about it and lose sleep over it. I wanted it to come right then at that very moment. I was so impatient.
And now things are starting to pan out...I defended, I graduated (almost), I had a grad party, I moved back home, I interviewed, I got a job, I will buy a car, and I will get my own place. Everything I dreamed of! I am very happy at this moment, and mostly because of Sean. I feel so spoiled being able to see him everyday. I really do. He is so strange looking and different than me. He smells different. He is hairy. He talks funny and mumbles a lot. But he is so so good =). He is more patient than I will ever ever be. Even though I pray everyday for patience (with my parents, with Sean, with Titus), I still don't think I can ever be as patient and calm as Sean. He is what I need. He understands me. He is NOT OC and in a bubble.
My biggest challenges/frustrations in moving back involve: a) parents b) money c) friends. With my parents, I just need to get my own place. Even though I still sleep with Bunny, I really am all growed up inside and I need my own space. I don't like to share living space - is that selfish? Dave keeps talking about living together to save money and share life together, but I've been doing that for the last 9 years and now I feel like I deserve it. Is that wrong to think that way? It's so true that I could save a lot of money by living at home or even by getting a roommate. But I don't want to. I just want "me" space. But it comes at a price. $1500/month at least. I'm so thankful for getting a job and being able to pay for things, but it will get some getting used to. That number just doesn't settle well with me and tells me that I should just tough it out and live at home for awhile until I get married. On the other hand, I am coming from a poor grad student life and mentality, so should I just get used to these ridiculous payments? It's not like I will be broke if I get my own place. It's just money that I could be saving. Maybe my dad taught me too well and maybe I am too focused on saving. I saved a lot during grad school and when I told my parents the amount, they were off by a factor of 10. What do you they think I did with my money?! I didn't have a car. I didn't live in expensive apartments. I chose cheap student living with no a/c and a bike. I think I've already decided that I need to move out, but now that I will have a little more money than I did as a grad student, I am still trying to adjust in how I use it. I was perfectly content with what I was receiving and now it's a matter of if i should "move up" in life. Should I buy nice things when I don't need them? Should I buy that expensive entree at the restaurant? Should I buy so many stinkin Groupons?! <-- answer: yes. All those things I "deprived" myself of during grad school and always dreamed about being able to afford one day, well, now is that day. Do I still want them? Why is there some guilt associated with them now?
And with friends, it's just so different. I'm a different person although I don't think they are as different now. Living outside the bubble and even CA definitely changed me and I have such a different perspective on things. Not just material things and noticing how nice and perfect Irvine is with convenience and no pot holes or cleanliness, but mostly with people and culture. The people are very different on the other end of the country. People have different views of how people socialize or what they talk about or just talking to people different than themselves. When I start to talk about my experiences living in the midwest, people in Irvine don't care or just don't get it. You can say lots of words, but it doesn't mean anything to them unless they've experienced it themselves. It's like going to Europe and explaining what you saw... but even then, living there is way different than being a tourist. I try to explain differences, but people just don't get it. My friend Nikki who also left Irvine and moved to the Midwest, she knows exactly what I mean. She says people just don't understand nor do they care unless they have moved elsewhere outside California. There's a double bubble I'm dealing with - Irvine + CA! Ahhhh. I love Irvine. It really is the nicest city to live in. But people should leave Irvine so they can understand and appreciate it more. I always always knew people thought this and said it in high school, but I didn't fully GET IT until I moved outside CA. And no matter how much you explain it to someone, they won't get it either. Thus, my frustration.
And yet another reason I love Sean. He comes from a way different place and understands that people are different but that's okay and you can still talk to them and even become friends with them. You don't have to be so exclusive and stuck with "your people" only. He doesn't demand everything to be perfect and clean and convenient all the time. He deals with it and doesn't dwell on those things. He knows that we are very very fortunate to live in such a lively and fun place where we can be entertained easily and not have to sit around thinking about how much better our lives would be elsewhere. He just gets it. He's the best.
