July 6, 2010
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Amazed.
I am still amazed at how unexpectedly God will subtly answer prayers. I am still amazed at how I still tend to do the same things, esp. not rely on God enough. I am a control freak and I always want to know how everything will be played out. I constantly need security for the future and it throws me off when I don't have it. Why can't I just be okay with not knowing what lies ahead? And after all this, God still chooses to let me have some unexpected blessings.
Lately all I've been thinking about is going home, back to the comforts of the bubble. I keep day dreaming about having a car, not having to walk up 3 flights of stairs, central air, living in nicely planned and clean communities, going to Newsong, eating good asian food, hanging out with Titus and his friends, swimming in outdoor swimming pools, eating dinner with my family, and most of all, getting to see Sean on a daily basis. All these comforts of living in Orange County, which everyone there assumes are normal or just basic Orange County "rights", well I've come to realize that they are not normal at all. We've had it so good living there and everyone from the outside told us so, but everyone on the inside just shrugged it off as, "Yeah, I guess." I can't believe I'd actually miss the Irvine Company. lol. Yes, they control everything, but all the apartments they own are really really nice! Here starts my rant...never ever would the Irvine Company do the following:
- paint bath tubs with lead-based paint which constantly peels off and requires re-painting every quarter
- allow feces from neighbors' trash to remain on stairwells (maggots eating feces too)
- change the lock to the bike room without giving residents new keys
- have a crappy bike room
- allow poop to spew out of a pipe in the storage/bike room as I walk in to get my bike
- not inform residents of this occurrence although people's items are getting soaked with urine and poop
- "fix" a broken window pane by screwing an L-bar thing to the window frame
- offer free satellite TV that freezes on channels or does not work when it rains
- inform residents that the internet has been upgraded and is faster when actually they didn't do jack
- not replace very very very squeaky wood floors
- create a kitchen with 2 feet of counter space and unreachable shelves
- put in a dishwasher that doesn't wash the top rack
- have a buzzer to the front door that sounds like a fire alarm
- have mice crawling through the walls and eating the food on our shelves
- not have central air conditioning
- not have recycling
- not have a swimming pool, hot tub, or tennis court
- be ugly
Ok, some of those are just the OC-ness in me coming out, but seriously, most of those seem like normal provisions/amenities, right? Well, not everyone in this country thinks so.
Despite the discomforts of living here, I am more just tired of trying to make efforts with friendships when I sadly know I will not see many of the people after I graduate. I've met a lot of great people in grad school and it just makes me sad to know that most of them I will not see again or keep in touch with consistently. A part of me is okay with this and just wants to go home to get back to my "real friends" - all 2 of them, Christine and Vi. lol. Well, it's just so hard to keep on going and continue to be my cheery, sunny self when a part of me is just sad to be away from my good friends, family, and Sean. Many people here are not connected to their homes at all. They have no friends still at home they keep in touch with and they don't even care to be around their families. This makes me really sad since I am definitely not like that and to me it sorta distances me from them since that's a huge difference between me and them. People bond over similarities, and this is one similarity that I really do treasure. I shouldn't hold this kind of thing against anyone of course, but it's just a thought that crosses my mind every time someone says "Oh, I guess I should plan a trip home soon. I haven't been home in 6+ months." Maybe their home is just really boring! Or maybe they don't get along with their parents - that makes me sad too. Enough complaining and judging...
Yes, I am very thankful for this life I have and I'm actually very excited to wrap it up and move on to the next thing. Things to get through first: serial sectioning, moving, Denmark, and job search! Cheerio!
