...dust to dust
We hate to beat you,
But we must, we must
When we're up, we're up
And when we're down, we're down
And when you're up against us you're turned upside down.
--a softball cheer Lindsey used to chant as we walked back from the UCI gym

Today is Ash Wednesday and I had no idea. Growing up, we never had any Ash Wednesday service and my parents never spoke of it or Lent. I wish someone could tell me why. It seems mostly like a traditional thing where people do the actions without the heart behind it. But for some, the right intentions are there. I remember back in the Edge days, people would be quite creative with their 40 days of change. I never participated because I never really thought of something good and meaningful that I'd want to do, but the main point I got from it was that people were doing a little introspective research and figuring out what was hindering them from having a close relationship with God. It wasn't about giving something up or restraining yourself or not eating meat or punishing yourself of any sorts. It was about looking at what was playing god in your life and disciplining yourself to put it aside to reap the benefits of a life without it. Some people said goodbye to Xanga (at the time, seemed like a big sacrifice), some people refrained from Facebook usage (very hard), some people gave up alcohol, and some people didn't eat their favorite meats (also a big one) since they really couldn't go a day without it. I remember Tiffany covered all her mirrors and didn't look at a single mirror the whole time! (I think the car was the exception, but only for safety, not to check what she looked like). These are all fine and dandy, but I don't think these are things that dominate my life (fb maybe a close call, though). In fact, there really isn't one thing that has a strong hold on my life. This also worries me. If I am to be this Christ-follower, shouldn't Jesus be the center of it? (Answer is Yes). Well, I mean, he's not out of the picture, he's just standing nicely on the sidelines and comes in when I need him. He's the convenient Jesus and is at my beck and call when I am angered by people around me, frustrated at circumstances, or annoyed at parents. He's there when I am nervous about a research talk or pressured to finish a task. He's there when I am infuriated by Christian-bashing media and those crazy "Christians" that give us a bad name too. And you know what, He's there when something really really good happens too that is so amazing and seemingly divine. He's always there...except when things are just...neutral. Why is this? It's not like Jesus is just a man-made concept to explain the inexplicable or to serve as a cop-out answer for the emptiness we feel. There's a certain truth about Him that never changes. This truth is about love and grace, but also of impurity amongst a holy God. He's a jealous God but it's only because he wants the best for us. He wants our desires, our time, and our hearts. Why am I so undisciplined into thinking I can take a break from Him during the lulls of life? It's like I need to "feel" His presence to believe in him and that's not what it's only about (part of it, sure, but there's gotta be more to back it up). One thing I've really appreciated about EBF is the solid scripture foundation, how they actually read the Bible and go through it verse by verse to help you understand what God is trying to tell you here. You would think it's pretty simple to just read it and get it, but there's so much background and so many cultural references and deeper meanings to the simplest of phrases. I don't think I realized before that at times I was relying on emotions and personal testimonies to string my faith along. Of course, people's personal experiences are always meaningful, but they just can't be the only basis for believing in something this lifestyle determining. I say all this and say I believe it, but it's so hard to make these words into actions. Why is it so hard to pick up the bible and read it daily for just a few minutes? I am so disciplined in most areas of my life except this one. I have always struggled and always feel like admitting and accepting defeat. I don't know if this will change, but it needs to...For now it's just words on a weblog.

...and somewhere along the line, so did everything else.

Just got back from Crested Butte yesterday and of course I put together a photo album. I have over 80 photo albums on Facebook. Talk about sharing my whole life with the fb world. I'll get around to making those private someday...So, as I was saying, I was putting together the photo album, and then naturally started looking at all the facebook updates. I came across one of the undergrad's profiles that I TA'ed and looked at all the fun photos he had and what his life is like. Got me thinking about my undergrad, so getting all nostalgic, I started looking at all my old photo albums. My my. My life is so different than say, 5 years ago. Yes, FIVE years ago I was still an undergrad at UCI (which I now have to refer to as UC Irvine or else no one here knows what I'm talking about. Took me awhile to figure that one out). Well, I noticed something else also...my eyelids! They always had the double fold, but back then, they were more like single-double folded, ya know, like just a small crease. I then made the transition from RGP to soft contacts in grad school, and an odd thing happened over the next 2 years. One at a time, my eyelids transformed into these filipino looking completely double folded eyelids. No clue how this happened, but it did.

Over the weekend, Minna talked about how she wished she had recorded things from undergrad, and inevitably that reminded me of my dear Xanga blog. I missed the time I took to write in it each day. The reflection and introspection at the end of the day. I re-read a few and reminisced about the past occurrences. Wow. Things have changed. Who writes blogs anymore? A lot of people still do but they are usually specific topics like workout programs or beauty tips or ways to be greener or whatever. Personally blogging has been ubiquitously replaced by Twitter, FB comments, GChat statuses and the likes. What happened to the days when it was cool to write more than a few sentences (lest a few words) about random thoughts in your head? We truly are the ADD culture and it will only get worse. As always, I am pledging to resist change and share a few more thoughts than what I can say in 3 seconds.

So here it goes...

I am amazed at the disparity between people's lives at this point in our lives. I'll name 3 categories for the time being. You've got the married friends - all settled down, fixing up the house, having babies, staying at home on weekends, buying nice things. Then you've got the single friends - bachelors for life (or at least until 35), clubbing it up every weekend, still drinking like they did in undergrad, still not knowing what they're doing with their lives. And finally, the post-college education goers. Grad students. Now this one is tricky. There's also married ones - some who got married before they came, some who got married during, and some who have kids and bring them into lab. Then...you've got the serious relationship people - those who dated starting from grad school, undergrad, and even high school. Then...you've got people who are now single, but were previously in serious relationships from undergrad and haven't found anyone else since. There's also the single people who still do the casual dating and hook up thing and drink like they are still in undergrad. And then there's the single ones that have never been in a relationship still and you really can't see being in one anytime soon either. All these different people with different degrees of relationship experience, all the same age! This boggles my mind just a little...!!!

I'm not trying to draw any conclusions. I just still have in my mind that there's this progression of experiences up until the point you get married, and when I was 20, I already felt I was at that last stage. It felt a little weird going backwards on that whole scale and then building back up to it, but now I feel like I really want to be at that final stage...but not necessarily because I'm ready for it, but I feel like I'm supposed to be there already and I'm behind if I'm not. I feel like I've always been one who wants to be ahead of the crowd and get to things first to show people how it's done or that I wasn't just going to follow everyone else. I feel like I don't want to be left behind when I very well know that there are way more people on the back end of this progress line I've made up. I've just always refused to be the last or near last at anything. Why am I so adamant about this?

I blame grad school and relationships for all this. But I know where I am is a consequence of many many choices piled on top of each other, so why am I 'blaming' these for my situation now? This is what I chose because obviously doing this is important to me and what I think will fulfill part of my career needs/desires. I need to accept all territory that comes with it. I'm not really complaining, just thinking aloud...

...I just still can't be sure of myself that I'm not wishing things were different. That's probably enough emo-ness for now...maybe this is why i stopped blogging in the first place....lol (I'm pretty sure Sean will read this and automatically assume I am not happy with him. Well that's his problem if he wants to think that. =P)