February 27, 2009

  • A letter to my xanga...

    Dear Stepheetz's Xanga,

    I haven't posted in awhile not because I'm ignoring you, Xanga, but because I think I got older and realized I didn't want my private life on the public interweb. My thoughts are my own and I didn't want to share them. Nope, not even with you, Xanga. But, alas, I'm sorry! I forgot how cathartic it was to express myself in writing all the feelings and emotions that I thought the whole world reads and empathizes with. I've always been fascinated by the fact that maybe someone out there is reading you and through this, finds me unique. What a silly notion, huh. God thinks each one of us is special! (say cheese =D).

    Well, I'm not promising to return to the updating fanatic I was in secondary school, but I still believe in you. I believe that writing to you is a means of capturing my life through the eyes of me (specifically, me at the computer alone in my room, getting all introspective). Odd as it may seem, these non-sensical little blurbs are telling of the change of me. Of course, my deepest thoughts are not recorded here, but there's always something I insinuate in each one, and only I know what I was thinking at that time when I re-read it. You're just cool like that, Xanga. Thanks! =)

    Nothing much to report on here, though. Atm, I am becoming more and more nerdy as the grad school days proceed. I'm finding myself noticing computer specs more, disowning Windows more and more each day, being intrigued by online gamers (though I still have not been suckered into that), and having an earnest desire to watch sci-fi shows. I am offended at people who think they are nerdy when they really are like, omgosh, totally not. I get really excited when I talk about steel with Mike Mulholland. And I find it challenging to "dumb down" my talk when speaking with non-engineer friends. Ew, I look at that list and ask myself, "What have I become?!" It's my fault, I know. I asked for this. I love it and hate it. I'm afraid to return to the land I once only knew. I'm afraid to have to act ditzy to get along with my friends. I'm afraid to succumb to the pursuit of comfort. I'm afraid of change.

    "The greatest fear is the fear of the unknown." 'Tis so true.

    Well, good thing I'm only half way through! haha. I probably haven't even changed that much. The core of me hasn't. I will always be this silly, little, happy girl who likes to hop around like a bunny. I will always hope in ideals that may never be a reality. And I will always be insecure about life without the world ever knowing.

    Enough emo-Steph for one day, Xanga.  See what you do to me?

    Forever yours, Xanga,
    StePheetz